“We all have this beautiful mess of an experience that binds us.”
Because I am no longer depressed, angry, bitter, sad, or grieving; does not mean I still don’t think about my angel babies. Miscarriage is an elite club with an expensive price that no one wants or chooses to be in but yet, here we are. Even though we are all in different places in our healing journey, each of us have this beautiful mess of an experience that binds us. I know it can be a painful subject to many as I was once in that place where just being able to say:
“NO”, I don’t want to come to your baby shower or “NO”, I don’t want to babysit your children or “NO”, I don’t want to be godmom because you feel bad for me. or “NO”, I don’t want to see your pregnant belly…made me feel better for the moment but only prolonged the pain.
We can’t avoid the things that trigger us forever…true healing comes when you’re able to face what once may have seemed impossible and now you’ve moved from the valley to the mountain top! You’re able to celebrate another woman’s pregnancy because life is a blessing! You’re able to see a pregnant woman’s baby bump and not feel resentment or jealousy! You’re able to babysit or be godmom because children are a gift! You’ve surrendered, forgave yourself, and now you practice joy!
It takes time and I find sustained peace in talking about it, acknowledging my past and present feelings, and being transparent about my journey. So yes, while I have 4 beautiful Earthy children, 3 of which are rainbow babies (because adoptive mother’s can still celebrate the fact that after the rain comes rainbows and they may not be in the form of biology), I still smile at a mother calling her child the name I picked out for one of my angel babies, when the sun is peaking through the clouds just so, when I’m in prayer and feel a chill, or when I feel like pulling those old sonograms out and taking a peek…I feel comfort in knowing that one sweet day we will all be together! Stay strong as the mother you are my fellow club member, you got this!