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Surrender.

“We all have this beautiful mess of an experience that binds us.”

Because I am no longer depressed, angry, bitter, sad, or grieving; does not mean I still don’t think about my angel babies. Miscarriage is an elite club with an expensive price that no one wants or chooses to be in but yet, here we are. Even though we are all in different places in our healing journey, each of us have this beautiful mess of an experience that binds us. I know it can be a painful subject to many as I was once in that place where just being able to say:
“NO”, I don’t want to come to your baby shower or “NO”, I don’t want to babysit your children or “NO”, I don’t want to be godmom because you feel bad for me. or “NO”, I don’t want to see your pregnant belly…made me feel better for the moment but only prolonged the pain. 

We can’t avoid the things that trigger us forever…true healing comes when you’re able to face what once may have seemed impossible and now you’ve moved from the valley to the mountain top! You’re able to celebrate another woman’s pregnancy because life is a blessing! You’re able to see a pregnant woman’s baby bump and not feel resentment or jealousy! You’re able to babysit or be godmom because children are a gift! You’ve surrendered, forgave yourself, and now you practice joy!

It takes time and I find sustained peace in talking about it, acknowledging my past and present feelings, and being transparent about my journey. So yes, while I have 4 beautiful Earthy children, 3 of which are rainbow babies (because adoptive mother’s can still celebrate the fact that after the rain comes rainbows and they may not be in the form of biology), I still smile at a mother calling her child the name I picked out for one of my angel babies, when the sun is peaking through the clouds just so, when I’m in prayer and feel a chill, or when I feel like pulling those old sonograms out and taking a peek…I feel comfort in knowing that one sweet day we will all be together! Stay strong as the mother you are my fellow club member, you got this!

Letter to my Angel Babies…

Dear Babies in Heaven,

I used to be really depressed at the thought of losing you and my therapist suggested that I write letters to you all. I was hoping that it would help. So I tried to start, and start, and start again. I was never able to complete the letter. Somehow I thought that if I wrote the letter, you would be upset with me…I was afraid that it would be final and I would lose the thought of you all for good.

I would cry for the life you would never live, the love that you would never be shown, and the void you left behind.

I’m so happy that I got to experience being your mother while you were in the womb! I used to wonder how you would have looked, your smile, your height, the way you would have walked, the sound of your voice. I would often dream about what you would have become. Then I would become sad all over again, and mourn. I would cry for the life you would never live, the love that you would never be shown, and the void you left behind.

I loved you all the same and mourned you all the same.

The thing about miscarriage is, no one mourns your death but your parents. No one brings by food to the repass, or fill up the sanctuary with their presence. No condolences, no sorry for your loss, no if you need me I’m here. It was just mom, dad, and you sweet angel babies; loss after loss after loss. I can’t say that each loss became more bearable because it didn’t. I loved you all the same and mourned you all the same. I enjoyed the time we had. Hearing y’alls little heart beats will forever be a sweet memory engraved in my mind and just when I start to feel sad I will replay those happy moments like music to my ears.

I take solace in knowing that you all have each other in heaven and that you are not alone. I know that heaven couldn’t wait for you guys because you were that special! Earth was not deserving of your presence. I know that each of you talked to God on mommy’s behalf because your earthly brothers and sisters are awesome. I thank you for them! There will never be a night when I say my prayers and don’t include you all in them. Because of the 8 of you, your presence in my womb changed me after each of you transitioned to heaven. Baby JB1 made me more resilient, Baby JB2 made me more humble, Baby JB3 made me softer, Baby JB4 made me more compassionate, Baby JB5 made me more committed, Baby JB6 made me more courageous. Baby JB7 & JB8 (the twins), made me stronger. Its because of you all I can be a great mom to the fantastic 4 now!

So see! Each of you gave me something and will continue to live in and through me! You all taught me a lot about myself and how to be steadfast on this adoption journey! I don’t take it for granted and I will cherish every moment! You all are forever in my heart and I love each of you!

XoXo,

Mommy 💋

Follow our family journey on Raising Cultures. Link Below!

https://www.facebook.com/raisingcultures/

Life After Adoption!

God, why is my body rejecting all my babies? Am I defective? I’m no good if I can’t be fruitful and multiply right? What is my husband thinking? The one that have no biological children, and now the woman he married can’t even give him any. It was so frustrating! All I wanted to do as lie down in a corner, isolate myself, and weep.

“We can’t pour from an empty glass, and I was realizing that my glass was almost depleted.”

That’s what I did. I wept, and wept, and eventually turned into someone that was “formally known as Keia.” I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was no good for my husband, my daughter, my family or friends, and I was doing my clients a disservice. As a mental health and addictions therapist, I had to take a hiatus. I had to take a break from everything in order to get myself back on track. We can’t pour from an empty glass, and I was realizing that my glass was almost depleted.

“After I prayed, God told me to forgive myself. ”

What was it that I would tell my clients when they were going through tough times? What are all of those wonderful solutions I would have for those sitting on the other side of the desk? As I tried to waddle myself out of my own rut, the first thing that came to mind was to pray. After I prayed, God told me to forgive myself. I questioned his request. FORGIVE MYSELF?

I started thinking about what God laid on my heart about forgiveness and started thinking, “It’s not my fault I can’t have any more children.” I’m not the first woman that ever experienced miscarriage or infertility issues and I knew I wouldn’t be the last. I was a part of an elite “Mommy Club” that had angel babies! I mean, how special am I to be able to experience getting to heaven and seeing my babies welcoming me with open arms?! How special am I to have angel babies watching over their mommy?! How special am I to have babies God knew was too special for this Earth?!

“Adoption God, are you sure?!”

Once I forgave myself, I was able to hear God’s voice so clear! Adoption God, are you sure? How will I love another child as I love my only biological daughter? How will my daughter get along with those children? Am I to call them “my kids?” Is my daughter to call them “her siblings?” God, I don’t won’t to adopt children that have already experienced not feeling loved or abandoned and have to come into my home and experience the same thing. I couldn’t live with myself.

The thing about God is, he’s good ALL the time. He knows what we need and will supply those needs…once we activate our faith! God knew I had these issues in my heart and told me to be obedient. If I took the first step, he would work out the rest! I’ve learned that you don’t have to be blood to love! You don’t have to have biological ties to love! As women we are naturally nurturers. When each of my children came into my life, my first instinct was to nurture. I nurtured loving relationships that would prove to be exactly what I needed!

“They are all my children, I love them ALL the same!”

God knew the plans he had for me! And they were better than my own! I can’t imagine my life without my children. Despite 1 being biological, 2 being adopted, and me having legal guardianship of 1; they are ALL my children! I love them all the same. It is possible to love if you open up your heart to do so. We have to stop putting our own limitations on love and just love! Being fruitful doesn’t have to be literal! I didn’t have to have any other children for God to multiply my family!

XoXo,

Keia 💋

Moving Mountains!

“Mrs. Jones-Baldwin, I’m sorry to inform you but we were not able to detect a heartbeat, so we think you will most likely miscarry over the next few days.” Those words burned my ears like hot coal. On more than one occasion my husband and I were faced with the reality that we may never have biological children. Money spent on failed IVF attempts, countless infertility treatments, and speaking to specialist about our chances of carrying a baby to term.

“I was too busy walking by sight and not by faith. “

Depression is real, anxiety is real, and trauma is real. Real hard, real heavy, real unhealthy, and real challenging. Why me? Why am I not able to have children when I was a good mother and had love to give? Why not me? Who am I to think that my plans for my life was better than what God had planned for me? I was too busy walking by sight and not by faith.

“What’s meant for us will not pass us by in this lifetime.

Restoration: God will provide you with the desires of your heart for being obedient. God knew the plans He had for me, I just needed to get out of my own way and allow him to use me. Once we submit, we unlock those promises that God has for us; what’s meant for us will not pass us by in this life time. In order for us to have that mountain top experience, we have to move mountains first. Move bitterness, move hatred, move unhealthy habits, move fear.

God is able to do exceedingly and ababundantly!

XoXo,

Keia 💋

But he’s mine…

Oh my sweet Ayden! I just love you so much! You’re almost 8 and been a part of our lives since you were 4 years old! You’ve grown so much and you’re such a smart boy!

We adopted Ayden 10/4/2017 and it was the 3rd best day of our lives! After been in 8 different foster care homes since age 2, he would finally have a forever home and family!

On yesterday, I got an email from an unknown address. When I opened the email, it read,

“Hello, I hope this is still a good email. This is Ayden’s mother and I wanted to know how he was doing and if I could see him again.”

Needless to say, I was shocked. Because “I” was Ayden’s mother. Was “she” really reaching out to me 4 years later wanting to see him after not being an active part of his life since age 2! I was angry and then I became saddened.

I had to understand that although Ayden was ours, he was very much hers. I tried to place myself in her shoes and wondered how difficult it would be for me to have to make a decision for my children to be raised by another mother. It was unimaginable for me.

A part of me wanted not to respond, but she gave me a wonderful gift. Because of her, we have a son, because of her…we have experienced parenthood again. And we are greatful. We have always maintained that we would keep Ayden connected to his bio family…but I didn’t think it would be this hard…but he’s mine!! I have to understand that he was hers first…an unbreakable biological bond that can never be broken. I can never change that and would never try.

We will work it out on Ayden’s time and boundaries for her of course, but we very much want to nourish a relationship between them.

XoXo,

The Mom💋

Spaghetti Spaz Out!!

After a long day that literally started at 5:30 a.m. with getting children ready for school and daycare…I was exhausted and that’s putting it lightly. I got off work at 3 but my job was far from over. With one kid with a dentist appointment, another doing Driver’s Ed in-car, one having to go to football practice, and the baby, well he’s a handful without any extras!

As its nearing the 9 o’clock hour and we were still not home, cooking was not an option. So pizza it is. I called and ordered the pizza ahead of time so it would be there upon us arriving home. As I walk in the house, I’m greeted with mounds of laundry, unmade beds, unswept floors, and dishes still in the sink.

Why are the chores not done!! But you know what, I keep my composure because its late and I’m too tired to hear any excuses. As I’m standing in the kitchen and preparing the pizza to be served I smell a strange odor. So now I’m walking around the kitchen like a hound dog trying to sniff out this smell.

What do you know, I open the oven and not only am I hit with the worse smell ever, I’m also greeted with MOLD growing on a week old spaghetti!!!

Arrrrhhhhhh!! Are you kidding me! I haven’t cooked spaghetti in a week, why is it still in the house…I have so many questions! Needless to say, I spazzed out! Now I’m the coo-coo crazy mama! Just do the damn chores!

I guess not doing chores is a universal language that all kids speak in every culture 😫

XoXo,

The Mom (please help 😂)

Just Beachy!

Labor day! Does that mean the entire world gives thanks to the mother’s that labored for hours! NO? Oh, it means a day to honor all hard working Americans, got it! So what better way to celebrate our hard work all year than to take a nice vacation! I, the mom of the brood, decide to take a quick little labor day get-a-way to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina…and by the way, if you have never visited Myrtle Beach, you should do so…tons of things for the family to do and the beach, AMAZING!

So yeah, back to the rant. My husband had to work (I think he planned this as a way to stay home and sleep all weekend) and I decided to go at it alone. We packed up the vehicle and down the road I went for 3 hours, 3 HOURS!!! Listening to Peppa Pig and Paw Patrol, petty teenage conversation, you know the kind, “She said what?” “He did that?” “OMG, IDC, YW, LOL, TTYL, ILY!” Not to mention the sibling arguments that I had to constantly break up by threatening that they will sit in the room once we reach the beach…which we all know would have been a lie as I was dying to hurry up and get them out the car, into swim wear, on the beach, in the water, and out my hair!!

Once we arrived, it was like time stood still. I watched my babies get out the car and help one another carry bags and get along like I had always hoped they would! We played family games, ate pizza, stayed up and walked the beach late, watched sunrises, and sunsets, walked the strip, went to the amusement park, and hit the beach 3 times a day! Ah, finally, PEACE! This has to be what heaven feels like! I could have never imagined in a million years that God would have handpicked this bunch of kids specifically for me and my husband!

It was JUST BEACHY! When it was time to go, we said our goodbyes to Myrtle Beach and my children turned back into who I knew they were…we were barely in the car before I heard, “leave me alone, slide over, stop touching me…” and so it goes, 3 hours back and I needed WINE!

XoXo,

The Mom